Why didn't you tell me?!

And so it begins...

I can't tell you what we were watching cause when he asked me the question I became immediately uncomfortable and thought to myself  (what does it matter!). 

He knows I used to be a model and most people who know me know that before I got married, then pregnant shortly after at the age of 21, (yes in that order) I had a modeling contract in Beverly Hills, CA. 
So he asks the question... "did you ever do runway?"
I had wanted to be a model, I think from the moment I was born. Ok so I unwillingly answered...
"Only once because I wasn't tall enough for runway. I mostly did print and once I was one of those window models who posed and didn't move."
His reaction? "Really?! Why didn't you tell me?! That's cool!"
Me: "Because that was a long time ago. I feel like because I'm not a model now it doesn't really matter."
Him: "Of course it matters. It's a part of your life experiences and the things you can say you've done."
Me: (I feel like crying) I mean what am I supposed to say? 
Yah, you have the leftovers of what I once was... Beautiful and thin! Am I supposed to say that I feel like a failure because I didn't follow through? I made a decision to be a completely committed mother to my son the moment I found out I was pregnant. I didn't care that they wanted to sue me, I didn't care that I turned down a Pepsi commercial. 
What am I supposed to say? 
I still feel like a model everyday only I don't have to worry about being skinny anymore? My family tells me I'm not that model anymore and they make fun of me when I joke about wearing sunglasses at night because the paparazzi might catch me. I joke alot and make people laugh,... but secretly? I wish I was a model living the model life everyday and the guilt that follows becomes intense followed by anxiety. 
You see...., I was told I could never have children and that's where my mindset was. My grandma said she was sad that I would never have children right before she passed away. How could I be selfish and take on this career that does not cater to new mothers when you are a beginning model? I chose my son, and I have no regrets. I choose him everyday, before anyone. I still in my heart feel like a model. I may not be thin but I have an essence and energy about me. I love the arts, and fashion. If anyone knew what I've been through as a single mom for so many years, they would call me a role model to see how far I've come...
I'm currently substitute teaching and I'm working on my teaching credential in special education. I love being a substitute because I have more freedom to be available to my son and family. 
BACK TO THE BEGINNING: We've been together for 3 years now and I have been such a tough shell to crack. He is still finding things out about me. His favorite part? He didn't know I knew how to cook. hahaha. 
So finally,... what did I do? Change the subject....
A LITTLE BACKGROUND INFO: YOU READY??
I was a little girl living in a trailer park with my mom who was a single mother. Life was far from perfect, let alone even comfortable. I thought being a model was my ticket out. I was finally going to be free and I could help my mom out of this hole we were in. I was on a mission and I guess I still am to make up for the life she couldn't have because she had us... 2 little girls... and a man who loved his girls but wasn't strong enough to be around and do the hard work.... Thinking of what I've been through hurts like a bitch.. My son will only know my story when he is older. For now, I'm his tough mom from Compton who always has his back and provides him with everything he wants and needs. I thank God that he has a step-dad whom he loves and respects as well as a relationship with his father. He has a great life and I have worked my ass off to make it possible.....

This is now me... 10 years later... imperfectly, perfect me...

Liebster Nomination Award

What is the Liebster Award?? 

The Liebster Award is a blogging community gem, encouraging up-and-coming bloggers to share pieces of themselves with the world. 

The rules are simple:

          1.Thank the blogger who nominated you.

          2. Display the award on your blog.

          3. Answer a set of 11 questions provided by the nominating blogger. 

          4. Post 11 random facts about yourself.

          5. Nominate 11 blogs with less than 1000 followers. 

          6. Create your own set of questions for your nominees to answer.

Now It's My Turn!

I want to give a big thanks to Blogger @Teacupgeek for my nomination! Listed below are the answers to the 11 questions, and a list of 11 random facts. Enjoy!

1. When and why did you start blogging. I've actually been blogging for a few years on and off but my son and college have always been first priority. I was told numerous times by family members that I should write a book on my thoughts, knowledge, and experience but blogging is much more fun. 

2.What are your favorite things to blog about. Hiking, my son, my experiences, and soon hopefully my obsession with cleaning and kitchen gadgets.  

3. What are your hobbies besides blogging. Hiking, camping, and spending time with my son and boyfriend. 

4. What are the biggest challenges you have faced while blogging. Getting people to read my content and give me a chance before they become disinterested. My current biggest challenge is getting paid for my posts. 

5. Describe yourself using only three words. Passionate, loyal, feisty.

6. What is your favorite quote, and why does it mean so much to you? Anything by RM Drake. It is so heartfelt and beautifully confusing.  

7. If money was no object, what would be the first thing you would do? Pay bills and move to Italy.  

8. Do you have any pets? (If not, what pet would you like to have)? Yes, dogs.

9. What is your most prized possession? Why does it mean so much? My photographs. All of our memories are captured in time. 

10. What is your most cherished memory so far? Going camping at Big Bear for my son's and boyfriend's bday and taking a helicopter ride for the first time with them!

11. Where do you see yourself in a years time? In the process of buying a house with a pool. 

Random Facts: I crochet, I enjoy hiking more than most people, I am my own worst critic, my feelings get easily hurt, I love to bake, I can't have gluten but I don't have Celiacs, I love to travel, I can only take naps on the beach in the summer, I don't allow my dogs in the kitchen, I like pilates and cardio workouts, I'm addicted to chocolate. 

Nomination Time!

Now it's time to nominate some fellow bloggers to answer eleven questions of my choosing. I hope you find them fun! 

-Extraordinarily Average Life - Face of AliceMarie - Earl Gray Times - Curly Chronicles - Odyssey - Aseels Corner - Greta Hollar - Small Towns and City Lights - Erin Cusack - Adulting Daily - More Than Rubies 

The Questions Are:

1. What type of blogger are you?

2. Why do you blog? 

3. If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be? 

4. Is your family supportive of your blogging?

5. When do you find time to blog?

6.What do you do when you're not blogging? 

7. What is your favorite food or recipe?

8. Have you ever used an Uber driver? How was your experience?

9. Do you consider yourself sporty or girly? Why?

10. Are you a purse or a shoes girl?

11. What advice would you give other bloggers?

Just because your blog isn't nominated doesn't mean you can't get involved! Answer away and share your link in the comments! :D  

From where I stand: Before the surgery..

          Is it normal that I'm angry? Is it normal that I feel like I'm dieing inside? When the doctor said "ok then it's a done deal" why did I feel like my legs went out from under me? I thought I prepared myself for this? Here I am asking my mom in spanish to hold me because I'm about to pass out. I told her in spanish to stay calm and not look obvious because I didn't want to scare my son. Inside of me my whole world is falling apart and I'm screaming but I have to look at my perfect boy with a smile and tell him everything  is going to be ok. 

          "How are you feeling baby? SON: "a little nervous but I feel better after talking to the doctor. ME: "So you're feeling confident? Cause I want you to feel confident". SON: "yah mom I'm ok. I just want to know when it's going to happen so I can let my teacher and tae-kwon-do teacher know". 

ME: "I will take care of everything. I don't want you to be worried about anything. I love you son....". 

My Inner most personal feelings:
I just want to run...
Let's run as fast as we can and this problem won't catch us...
Can we please?
If we beg really hard, do you think we can do it?
Am I the most selfish mother on the planet for wanting my child to be as perfect as possible when I know other parents go through so much worse?
Is this why I binge ate yesterday? To punish myself for the things I feel? I lost 25 lbs and now I will go backwards because I am an emotional eater who stuffs feelings with food so the feelings don't have room to come up to the surface.....

          When he has an episode and has a heart arrhythmia I watch him helplessly. I beg god not to let his heart stop, not to let him die on me, not to let him be the youngest kid in America who has a heart attack. I don't let him feel sorry for himself. I teach him to push through things because life is tough and if you fall apart you accomplish nothing. I hold high expectations for him, I stress the need for the best grades and being a great citizen and not bullying and helping someone who is being bullied at the cost of losing friends because it's more important to be a good person.....
          He told me how he defended someone who was being bullied and how angry he felt because he is such a happy person. I've told him how his father changed a boys life in high school because he defended him.. 

         And here we are the next day, trying to schedule his heart procedure? How is this fair? Where's the balance? Here I go being selfish again. I think? I gave everything up in my life to be the mom he needed and be the best mom I could be including reading books and doing research on exactly how to do this because I've had a rough upbringing and all I know is that it has to be opposite of what I had and what I went through. I said goodbye to my Hollywood dreams without thinking twice. I live vicariously through maria menounos and giuliana rancic because I know that it could have been me. My son has given me a joy and sense of passion and strength I never knew I had inside of me. We have this bond so deep that I can't relate to people who hurt their children. I can't wrap my head around people who put themselves before their kids. (I get in trouble alot for putting my needs on the back burner constantly. I'm told it's ok to do things for myself once in a while. I would include this blog as something that is all me and makes me happy. If I inspire one person then it's all worth it....).

He has this entire month off and I know I wont have a minute to myself to cry it out. Every minute I feel like I'm going to burst into tears.. I cant talk to anyone on the phone because I dont want him to hear me talking about it. So I'm texting instead.. I took him out to one of our favorite restaurants and out for icecream to distract his mind a little. It was our family date day. I have always had faith in god even in the darkest times and this is a true test. I feel like I have had the oxygen taken right out of my lungs and a permanent knot in my throat. Thank You for reading... Im putting my heart and feelings out there to the world... -Divapinks-

This is us right before the appointment in the waiting room. 

His favorite.. Vanilla Bean Frapp. from Starbucks. Trying to spoil him a little.. :)

Icecream makes everything better lol.. 

This is what they gave me at the Heart Institute.. This is what he's having done.

There is a ton to read, its a pretty lengthy little booklet. It answers a ton of questions.

There is a 98% chance that if all goes well he will never have

heart problems again in his life. We have no family history of 

heart disease or trouble. 

If you've gotten this far I just want to say thank you to everyone 

being supportive and showing us so much love. I love you all and if 

I say this out loud I will cry and who knows when I will stop. Again, thank you for well wishes and prayers being sent our way... I will update again when he comes out of the procedure and we've made it home..