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Monday, June 8, 2015

From where I stand: Before the surgery..

          Is it normal that I'm angry? Is it normal that I feel like I'm dieing inside? When the doctor said "ok then it's a done deal" why did I feel like my legs went out from under me? I thought I prepared myself for this? Here I am asking my mom in spanish to hold me because I'm about to pass out. I told her in spanish to stay calm and not look obvious because I didn't want to scare my son. Inside of me my whole world is falling apart and I'm screaming but I have to look at my perfect boy with a smile and tell him everything  is going to be ok. 
          "How are you feeling baby? SON: "a little nervous but I feel better after talking to the doctor. ME: "So you're feeling confident? Cause I want you to feel confident". SON: "yah mom I'm ok. I just want to know when it's going to happen so I can let my teacher and tae-kwon-do teacher know". 
ME: "I will take care of everything. I don't want you to be worried about anything. I love you son....". 
My Inner most personal feelings:
I just want to run...
Let's run as fast as we can and this problem won't catch us...
Can we please?
If we beg really hard, do you think we can do it?
Am I the most selfish mother on the planet for wanting my child to be as perfect as possible when I know other parents go through so much worse?
Is this why I binge ate yesterday? To punish myself for the things I feel? I lost 25 lbs and now I will go backwards because I am an emotional eater who stuffs feelings with food so the feelings don't have room to come up to the surface.....

          When he has an episode and has a heart arrhythmia I watch him helplessly. I beg god not to let his heart stop, not to let him die on me, not to let him be the youngest kid in America who has a heart attack. I don't let him feel sorry for himself. I teach him to push through things because life is tough and if you fall apart you accomplish nothing. I hold high expectations for him, I stress the need for the best grades and being a great citizen and not bullying and helping someone who is being bullied at the cost of losing friends because it's more important to be a good person.....
          He told me how he defended someone who was being bullied and how angry he felt because he is such a happy person. I've told him how his father changed a boys life in high school because he defended him.. 
         And here we are the next day, trying to schedule his heart procedure? How is this fair? Where's the balance? Here I go being selfish again. I think? I gave everything up in my life to be the mom he needed and be the best mom I could be including reading books and doing research on exactly how to do this because I've had a rough upbringing and all I know is that it has to be opposite of what I had and what I went through. I said goodbye to my Hollywood dreams without thinking twice. I live vicariously through maria menounos and giuliana rancic because I know that it could have been me. My son has given me a joy and sense of passion and strength I never knew I had inside of me. We have this bond so deep that I can't relate to people who hurt their children. I can't wrap my head around people who put themselves before their kids. (I get in trouble alot for putting my needs on the back burner constantly. I'm told it's ok to do things for myself once in a while. I would include this blog as something that is all me and makes me happy. If I inspire one person then it's all worth it....).
He has this entire month off and I know I wont have a minute to myself to cry it out. Every minute I feel like I'm going to burst into tears.. I cant talk to anyone on the phone because I dont want him to hear me talking about it. So I'm texting instead.. I took him out to one of our favorite restaurants and out for icecream to distract his mind a little. It was our family date day. I have always had faith in god even in the darkest times and this is a true test. I feel like I have had the oxygen taken right out of my lungs and a permanent knot in my throat. Thank You for reading... Im putting my heart and feelings out there to the world... -Divapinks-


This is us right before the appointment in the waiting room. 


His favorite.. Vanilla Bean Frapp. from Starbucks. Trying to spoil him a little.. :)


Icecream makes everything better lol.. 


This is what they gave me at the Heart Institute.. This is what he's having done.
There is a ton to read, its a pretty lengthy little booklet. It answers a ton of questions.


There is a 98% chance that if all goes well he will never have
heart problems again in his life. We have no family history of 
heart disease or trouble. 


If you've gotten this far I just want to say thank you to everyone 
being supportive and showing us so much love. I love you all and if 
I say this out loud I will cry and who knows when I will stop. Again, thank you for well wishes and prayers being sent our way... I will update again when he comes out of the procedure and we've made it home..