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Sunday, May 1, 2016

Why didn't you tell me?!

And so it begins...

I can't tell you what we were watching cause when he asked me the question I became immediately uncomfortable and thought to myself  (what does it matter!). 
He knows I used to be a model and most people who know me know that before I got married, then pregnant shortly after at the age of 21, (yes in that order) I had a modeling contract in Beverly Hills, CA. 
So he asks the question... "did you ever do runway?"
I had wanted to be a model, I think from the moment I was born. Ok so I unwillingly answered...
"Only once because I wasn't tall enough for runway. I mostly did print and once I was one of those window models who posed and didn't move."
His reaction? "Really?! Why didn't you tell me?! That's cool!"
Me: "Because that was a long time ago. I feel like because I'm not a model now it doesn't really matter."
Him: "Of course it matters. It's a part of your life experiences and the things you can say you've done."
Me: (I feel like crying) I mean what am I supposed to say? 
Yah, you have the leftovers of what I once was... Beautiful and thin! Am I supposed to say that I feel like a failure because I didn't follow through? I made a decision to be a completely committed mother to my son the moment I found out I was pregnant. I didn't care that they wanted to sue me, I didn't care that I turned down a Pepsi commercial. 
What am I supposed to say? 
I still feel like a model everyday only I don't have to worry about being skinny anymore? My family tells me I'm not that model anymore and they make fun of me when I joke about wearing sunglasses at night because the paparazzi might catch me. I joke alot and make people laugh,... but secretly? I wish I was a model living the model life everyday and the guilt that follows becomes intense followed by anxiety. 
You see...., I was told I could never have children and that's where my mindset was. My grandma said she was sad that I would never have children right before she passed away. How could I be selfish and take on this career that does not cater to new mothers when you are a beginning model? I chose my son, and I have no regrets. I choose him everyday, before anyone. I still in my heart feel like a model. I may not be thin but I have an essence and energy about me. I love the arts, and fashion. If anyone knew what I've been through as a single mom for so many years, they would call me a role model to see how far I've come...
I'm currently substitute teaching and I'm working on my teaching credential in special education. I love being a substitute because I have more freedom to be available to my son and family. 
BACK TO THE BEGINNING: We've been together for 3 years now and I have been such a tough shell to crack. He is still finding things out about me. His favorite part? He didn't know I knew how to cook. hahaha. 
So finally,... what did I do? Change the subject....
I was a little girl living in a trailer park with my mom who was a single mother. Life was far from perfect, let alone even comfortable. I thought being a model was my ticket out. I was finally going to be free and I could help my mom out of this hole we were in. I was on a mission and I guess I still am to make up for the life she couldn't have because she had us... 2 little girls... and a man who loved his girls but wasn't strong enough to be around and do the hard work.... Thinking of what I've been through hurts like a bitch.. My son will only know my story when he is older. For now, I'm his tough mom from Compton who always has his back and provides him with everything he wants and needs. I thank God that he has a step-dad whom he loves and respects as well as a relationship with his father. He has a great life and I have worked my ass off to make it possible.....

This is now me... 10 years later... imperfectly, perfect me...