Why didn't you tell me?!

And so it begins...

I can't tell you what we were watching cause when he asked me the question I became immediately uncomfortable and thought to myself  (what does it matter!). 

He knows I used to be a model and most people who know me know that before I got married, then pregnant shortly after at the age of 21, (yes in that order) I had a modeling contract in Beverly Hills, CA. 
So he asks the question... "did you ever do runway?"
I had wanted to be a model, I think from the moment I was born. Ok so I unwillingly answered...
"Only once because I wasn't tall enough for runway. I mostly did print and once I was one of those window models who posed and didn't move."
His reaction? "Really?! Why didn't you tell me?! That's cool!"
Me: "Because that was a long time ago. I feel like because I'm not a model now it doesn't really matter."
Him: "Of course it matters. It's a part of your life experiences and the things you can say you've done."
Me: (I feel like crying) I mean what am I supposed to say? 
Yah, you have the leftovers of what I once was... Beautiful and thin! Am I supposed to say that I feel like a failure because I didn't follow through? I made a decision to be a completely committed mother to my son the moment I found out I was pregnant. I didn't care that they wanted to sue me, I didn't care that I turned down a Pepsi commercial. 
What am I supposed to say? 
I still feel like a model everyday only I don't have to worry about being skinny anymore? My family tells me I'm not that model anymore and they make fun of me when I joke about wearing sunglasses at night because the paparazzi might catch me. I joke alot and make people laugh,... but secretly? I wish I was a model living the model life everyday and the guilt that follows becomes intense followed by anxiety. 
You see...., I was told I could never have children and that's where my mindset was. My grandma said she was sad that I would never have children right before she passed away. How could I be selfish and take on this career that does not cater to new mothers when you are a beginning model? I chose my son, and I have no regrets. I choose him everyday, before anyone. I still in my heart feel like a model. I may not be thin but I have an essence and energy about me. I love the arts, and fashion. If anyone knew what I've been through as a single mom for so many years, they would call me a role model to see how far I've come...
I'm currently substitute teaching and I'm working on my teaching credential in special education. I love being a substitute because I have more freedom to be available to my son and family. 
BACK TO THE BEGINNING: We've been together for 3 years now and I have been such a tough shell to crack. He is still finding things out about me. His favorite part? He didn't know I knew how to cook. hahaha. 
So finally,... what did I do? Change the subject....
A LITTLE BACKGROUND INFO: YOU READY??
I was a little girl living in a trailer park with my mom who was a single mother. Life was far from perfect, let alone even comfortable. I thought being a model was my ticket out. I was finally going to be free and I could help my mom out of this hole we were in. I was on a mission and I guess I still am to make up for the life she couldn't have because she had us... 2 little girls... and a man who loved his girls but wasn't strong enough to be around and do the hard work.... Thinking of what I've been through hurts like a bitch.. My son will only know my story when he is older. For now, I'm his tough mom from Compton who always has his back and provides him with everything he wants and needs. I thank God that he has a step-dad whom he loves and respects as well as a relationship with his father. He has a great life and I have worked my ass off to make it possible.....

This is now me... 10 years later... imperfectly, perfect me...

Moms don't go to the restroom.... They go on a getaway! !

       
          I know I'm not the first or the last mom to find refuge in the restroom.  It's the one place I can sit with my thoughts and not be interrupted.  Single moms don't even get this luxury.  So I have a solution, (I think anyway haha) why not try to switch things up and have family reading time. Some people do not like to read, however if you find a book that reflects the type of shows you like to watch it can be a great getaway.  Into romance?  Find a romance novel. Sitting with your children while they read allows you to escape into the story into a world far from your own. Option 2- read just before bed. If you're a new mom or have older kids chances are you don't go out much or even get TV time for that matter. Do you have ideas for mommy ME time? Share!

Healthy mom, Healthy baby. 

                                          Love, your Co - mommy,  DivaPinks

What goes on in our mind...

aaaaahhhhhh.... paradise.....

We can dream can't we?.....

Heart Surgery Update!

          Oh boy.. Where do I start... I broke down in the hospital as they took him away and popped a little blood vessel in my eyeball. I knew that if they didn't take him fast enough I would break down into a million pieces.
There was a split second after I said goodbye to him that I changed my mind. I wanted to yell...
"Please don't take him! I've changed my mind! I want him back and you can't have him!"...
But instead I ran...
As soon as the door shut behind me I could hear myself screaming from far away...
 (Thoughts inside my head- What if his heart stops? This will be all my fault for fighting as hard as I did. Why am I being so selfish? Other parents go through worse! What if he'll hate me for putting him through this? He's missing school and he'll fall behind. This is going to affect him emotionally, I just know it. Why did I ask his dad to come? I've been doing this alone for years! I'm doing it for my son. My son needs his father to be here. He SHOULD be here. He SHOULD be going through this with me. I know... I'll buy my baby a giraffe from the gift shop)...
GIRAFFE?? .... Yes giraffe!
The pediatric area of the hospital has a "giraffe elevator" and I teased my son about it when I saw it. I told him they found out he is the tallest kid in his grade so they built an elevator tall enough for a giraffe so he would fit haha. Everyone laughed.. (I forbid anyone from coming that couldn't control their emotions so I made sure to make everything funny and talk about our plans after the surgery).

This was taken right before the surgery... They brought him an xbox so he wouldn't be bored. 

Can we say awesome sauce?!

Boy was he grumpy after the procedure... No visitors please! 

It only lasted about 30 minutes..

Here's my happy boy! Lets go home mom!

OMG THANK YOU GOD WE'RE HOME
So of course his bff furbaby (Hercules pom/chihuahua mix) had to suffer being away from his best friend because he could accidentally open his incisions. I was so grateful that no one was calling my phone and they were giving me space. The house was quiet and he had to lay flat. We did this for about a week including giving him Motrin and having followup appointments. Of course this entire time I didn't sleep. I needed to get up every 20 minutes because he needed something... even throughout the night. I figured it was like having a baby again and getting up every 2 hours so I just sucked it up and did it with a smile. Everything was finally OK. We were going to be OK. He was starting to have more energy and walking a lot more. I really thought we were finally in the clear. Then....

OMG PLEASE NOT AGAIN.. GOD PLEASE...

Do you see the giraffe?

My Baby- "Mom..." (as he comes in the kitchen clutching his chest)
ME- "omg. Whats wrong"
My Baby- "My heart.... it hurts I cant breathe..."
ME- "ok I'm calling 911 lay down and stay calm so your body can help your heart, slow breathes baby"
ME- (omg not again. I thought this was over. I will have their heads if something went wrong!)
Everything went so fast. We ended up in the ambulance being transferred from the palm springs area all the way to Loma Linda Hospital. The local hospital was too scared to see him, they thought it was best to take him back where the doctors knew his situation.
At the hospital I was angry and I wasn't leaving without answers. They ran every test they could before finally coming to the conclusion that his heart was perfectly healthy now and it was just the nerves that were irritated and his muscles were strained because they had to travel to his heart touching things on the way and stressing the muscles of the heart.
(I knew exactly what to do... mom to the rescue.)....

In the car on the way back home..

Someone was exhausted...

Giraffe is still his comfort buddy..

When I got home with him I gave him 500mg of Magnesium Citrate to relax his nerve endings and 200mg of L-Theanine to relax his mind and body so he wouldn't have anxiety. Did this work? YES! When it comes to my baby I follow my motherly instincts. He has not been able to participate in recess yet or vigorous activities but he is stronger everyday. When I asked him how he feels now he said,
" .... I really feel the blood flowing through my heart and I don't run out of breathe anymore when I try to walk fast. I feel like I have a brand new heart. I feel like I can do anything now. I can even take really deep breathes now."
ME AGAIN: Thank god and the prayers from everyone who knew what was going on....

Stay tuned for next weeks blog showing how he's currently doing! :D 

Life is full of ups and downs.. What matters most is how you handle it..

Take life by the bull horns! It's YOUR life! Take charge!

From where I stand: Before the surgery..

          Is it normal that I'm angry? Is it normal that I feel like I'm dieing inside? When the doctor said "ok then it's a done deal" why did I feel like my legs went out from under me? I thought I prepared myself for this? Here I am asking my mom in spanish to hold me because I'm about to pass out. I told her in spanish to stay calm and not look obvious because I didn't want to scare my son. Inside of me my whole world is falling apart and I'm screaming but I have to look at my perfect boy with a smile and tell him everything  is going to be ok. 

          "How are you feeling baby? SON: "a little nervous but I feel better after talking to the doctor. ME: "So you're feeling confident? Cause I want you to feel confident". SON: "yah mom I'm ok. I just want to know when it's going to happen so I can let my teacher and tae-kwon-do teacher know". 

ME: "I will take care of everything. I don't want you to be worried about anything. I love you son....". 

My Inner most personal feelings:
I just want to run...
Let's run as fast as we can and this problem won't catch us...
Can we please?
If we beg really hard, do you think we can do it?
Am I the most selfish mother on the planet for wanting my child to be as perfect as possible when I know other parents go through so much worse?
Is this why I binge ate yesterday? To punish myself for the things I feel? I lost 25 lbs and now I will go backwards because I am an emotional eater who stuffs feelings with food so the feelings don't have room to come up to the surface.....

          When he has an episode and has a heart arrhythmia I watch him helplessly. I beg god not to let his heart stop, not to let him die on me, not to let him be the youngest kid in America who has a heart attack. I don't let him feel sorry for himself. I teach him to push through things because life is tough and if you fall apart you accomplish nothing. I hold high expectations for him, I stress the need for the best grades and being a great citizen and not bullying and helping someone who is being bullied at the cost of losing friends because it's more important to be a good person.....
          He told me how he defended someone who was being bullied and how angry he felt because he is such a happy person. I've told him how his father changed a boys life in high school because he defended him.. 

         And here we are the next day, trying to schedule his heart procedure? How is this fair? Where's the balance? Here I go being selfish again. I think? I gave everything up in my life to be the mom he needed and be the best mom I could be including reading books and doing research on exactly how to do this because I've had a rough upbringing and all I know is that it has to be opposite of what I had and what I went through. I said goodbye to my Hollywood dreams without thinking twice. I live vicariously through maria menounos and giuliana rancic because I know that it could have been me. My son has given me a joy and sense of passion and strength I never knew I had inside of me. We have this bond so deep that I can't relate to people who hurt their children. I can't wrap my head around people who put themselves before their kids. (I get in trouble alot for putting my needs on the back burner constantly. I'm told it's ok to do things for myself once in a while. I would include this blog as something that is all me and makes me happy. If I inspire one person then it's all worth it....).

He has this entire month off and I know I wont have a minute to myself to cry it out. Every minute I feel like I'm going to burst into tears.. I cant talk to anyone on the phone because I dont want him to hear me talking about it. So I'm texting instead.. I took him out to one of our favorite restaurants and out for icecream to distract his mind a little. It was our family date day. I have always had faith in god even in the darkest times and this is a true test. I feel like I have had the oxygen taken right out of my lungs and a permanent knot in my throat. Thank You for reading... Im putting my heart and feelings out there to the world... -Divapinks-

This is us right before the appointment in the waiting room. 

His favorite.. Vanilla Bean Frapp. from Starbucks. Trying to spoil him a little.. :)

Icecream makes everything better lol.. 

This is what they gave me at the Heart Institute.. This is what he's having done.

There is a ton to read, its a pretty lengthy little booklet. It answers a ton of questions.

There is a 98% chance that if all goes well he will never have

heart problems again in his life. We have no family history of 

heart disease or trouble. 

If you've gotten this far I just want to say thank you to everyone 

being supportive and showing us so much love. I love you all and if 

I say this out loud I will cry and who knows when I will stop. Again, thank you for well wishes and prayers being sent our way... I will update again when he comes out of the procedure and we've made it home..

I'm not wearing ANYTHING... EVER.. Until I lose some weight..

          Have you ever felt like you would rather walk around your house naked and not go anywhere than to keep trying on your own clothes that are just not fitting today. Have you ever felt like you are trying to put on some skinny persons clothes. You're probably asking where your closet went. After all, you did make every purchase yourself.  ANYWAY! This is how I feel today. When I pms I feel like I gain 10 pounds. I feel like I need a whole separate closet with bigger sizes. But I neeeeedddd salt during that time! You may only be able to relate if you are an emotional eater, have weight problems yourself or know someone who does. (sorry emotional moment there lol) SOOOO, I will drink only water today and make it to Zumba even though my back feels like someone is taking a permanent vacation on my spine. I can complain or I can get to Zumba right? Is anyone an emotional eater? Do you gain a baby in weight when you pms? Please do tell.. how do you cope? What have you done? #sharingiscaring

               Much love, your Co-Mommy, Divapinks

UPDATE: SINCE THIS POST I HAVE TAKEN VITAMINS TO HELP ME CONTROL MY EMOTIONAL EATING HABITS AND IVE LOST 15 POUNDS SINCE SEPTEMBER GOING AT MY OWN PACE. LOOKING BACK REMINDS ME OF WHAT I WAS FEELING AND DONT WANT TO FEEL AGAIN. IVE STILL GOT A WAYS TO GO BUT IM GETTING THERE. TO SEE WHAT IM TAKING VISIT MY VITAMIN HAUL POST OR CLICK ON THE YOUTUBE TAB TO FIND THE VIDEO I MADE ALSO. THANKS!

Cordially Invited! #Youtube

Calling all Co-Mommies!!!

-You are hereby cordially invited to-

DivaPinks Youtube Mommy Video Blog!

My next video will be on the discussion of health and all the vitamins I take for depression, anxiety, fibromyalgia and overall health. Stay tuned on my Instagram to know when the video will be posted! 

Thanks in advance for the support and views!!!

With Love, Your Co-Mommy

 https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnA4Vscz5bNgvvTB_O6o53Q/videos?view_as=public

#mommyblogger #mommyvlogger #vlogger #vitaminhaul #vitamins #blogger #lifestyleblogger #health 

Week 1 training in my new life. ..

          I have so much to say about graduation that... it's almost overwhelming.. I left all my anger, regret, sadness, and bad memories on that stage. I made sure that I didn't fall because my legs were wobbling by walking steady and slow. I realize that when you move on into the future sometimes people are still living in the past. A place I once was. . A place where you have many saying "I'm not done but I'm still going", and where the struggle is still very much alive. ..where everyone is hustling everyday to get that extra money and find financial freedom... I start this new journey just like everyone else now... trying to apply for jobs like crazy...and having this weird feeling come over me because now I'm allowed to fill out the form knowing that at the moment of submission my degree is speaking for me...After 10 years I now have something that says I am someone and I am worth something. My son can hold his head high and strive to be where I've been and beyond. . I've never been so ready and sure of myself as I am now. I'm ready to show that I have a lot to offer this world....